I just got out of a bubble bath, and now I’m sitting in my bed reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth.
I’m four pages in to Part Two, and a lot of things have hit home with me, but I wanted to share this on my blog:
The path from obsession to feelings to presence is not about healing our “wounded children” or feeling every bit of rage or grief we never felt so that we can be successful, thin, and happy. We are not trying to put ourselves together. We are taking who we think we are apart. We feel the feelings not so that we can blame our parents for not saying, “Oh darling,” not so that we can hit pillows and express our anger to everyone we’ve never confronted, but because unmet feelings obscure our ability to know ourselves.
I’ve talked a little bit about my family here, but I’ve never gone into details about my issues with how I was treated in the past around my weight by my mother and certain other family members. To make a long story short — I was put on the Atkins diet before I even know what a diet was, so I began to sneak food and binge in secret at a very young age, was later put in LA Weight Loss by my aunt in middle school, developed seriously disordered eating patterns, and was continuously reminded that I wasn’t good enough the way I was while I was growing up.
I’ve accepted that my family meant no harm and have always had my best interest in mind, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still affected by their actions to this day. I’m aware that I need to let it go, but in the back of my mind I’m still 100% convinced that I’m not good enough. And that I never will be.
This passage really smacked me across the face. I need to let go of the past, because I can’t change it. I tell the residents I work with that every day. I need to start taking my own advice, because if other people deserve self love and appreciation, then so do I.
I need to do this for my overall well being, because I can’t heal my Crohn’s while I’m still binge eating. SCD requires strict adherence, which I haven’t been able to commit to thus far.
I graduated in May with a degree in psychology, I work in a mental health facility, and I believe in recovery with my whole being. I need to wo-man up and make a therapy appointment. I’ve tried fixing myself a million times and it doesn’t work that way. At least, not for me.
I deserve it, right?